Craziest, Sexiest, Weirdest Adult Stories Ever!

Funny Sex Stories

2009-02-02T14:56:00.001-08:00

This is a post and reply to it i found on a forum by searching for funny sex stories on google:

lets share some funny sex stories

i got a hilarious one

i was pumping my girlfriend real good, she was on top. then she got off and then screamed a blood curling scream I said "hey i know im small but im not THAT small" but then i could tell she wasn't joking so I look at my dick and its completely covered in blood. then i start to scream my damn self. I went to the light and saw i ripped a tissue under my penis. I stopped the bleeding but it took a while. i had to go to the doctor later on which was embarassing. he told me it was my frenulum(sp?) that ripped and it's common among those who are uncircumcised. once it rips you dont' need to worry about it.

weird shit

The reply

Hi Jonathan. Circumcision IS mutilation. It is NOT Natural - PERIOD!!! God never intended our penis to lose it's "covering". You lose sensation with circumcision. A person should be able to feel EVERY bit of sensation as God intended and not because of some agenda by the "religious zealots". Whether it be with a Man or Woman - it is perfectly natural. Homosexuality and Bisexuality DOES EXIST in Nature. Take Care, John H.

BLAST FROM THE PAST- P-Mate will allow women to pee standing up, ladies pee like a man

2009-01-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

Ladies have you ever wanted to pee like a man, you know standing up like man does instead of crouching down. Think of this scenario, you are driving or walking for ages and you cannot find a toilet or even if you do find a toilet and it is full of shit and stinks.

Well ladies welcome to P-Mate the cool device that let’s you pee standing up without losing your dignity or risking unhygienic and unpleasant public restrooms.

Personally I cannot see any woman using this, but then I may be mistaken. You can buy the P-Mate from only $3.49. Hey ladies you can now do piss writing in the snow like a man does.

Now ladies the question is “Are you really that jealous of our ability to piss standing up?

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Tshirt Messages

2008-12-26T16:57:00.000-08:00

Some cool funny and sometimes sexy photos i found on the net:

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Man's penis caught in saw mill

2008-12-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

A WORKER was injured this afternoon when his penis became caught in machinery at a northern suburbs saw mill.

The man, 30, was working at the Parafield Gardens Saw Mill at about 1.50pm when his crotch and penis became caught in the chain of a piece of machinery.

He was taken to the Royal Adelaide Hospital. It is believed his injuries are not life threatening but he initially suffered uncontrollable bleeding.

A company spokesman said the man's injuries were not serious.

"He got caught in the log moving mechanism on one of the saws," he said.

Some funny comments i found:

What's the bet he just happened to walk past the machinery and fell over and his old fella happened to slip into the machine. Happens all the time.

His new nickname would have to be STUMPY!

Well it certainly wouldn't be possible to call him Jack Handy

gives a whole new meaning to cracking a woodiy

He must feel like a knob......

sounds like he was giving him self a saw job!!

At least he's got a good excuse if he wants to get out of any sex tonight!

i knew a bloke that put his penis into marriage and had similar injuries

Yeah, his knob is called M.I.A.............

He's one tough nut!

Bit of a "cock up"

What a dick!

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Woman jailed for testicle attack to be released

2008-12-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands is set to be released.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

'Pulled hard'

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.

She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."

Guys hide your nuts cause Monti's on the loose!

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80 year old Man rapes gardener

2008-12-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

An 80-year-old man has appeared in Court on a charge of rape, after a job-seeker from South Africa claimed he was lured to his house under false pretences and then forced to commit sexual acts.

The man allegedly threatened him by keeping a snake close at hand.

The complainant alleges he was standing in Caledon Street, Somerset West, on 23 November, looking for work along with other day-labourers.

At about 08:45 an elderly man stopped and offered him a gardening job, according to Constable Suzan Jantjies, spokesperson for the Somerset West police.

When they got to the man's house, the job seeker didn't suspect anything.

Snake

Only when they entered the house and the man locked the doors behind them, did he realise that something was wrong, Jantjies added.

According to the complainant, the man brought a snake into the house and forced him to watch a pornographic film.

With the snake next to him, the complainant was also forced to commit sexual acts. He was also raped.

Then he was chased off the premises, said Jantjies.

Just Imagine a sweet old man walking with a cruch in his right hand and a... SNAKE in the other. And then he tells you to bend over...

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Man gang-raped by 3 women

2008-12-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

A 30-year-old man from Johannesburg was off to play pool when three women asked him to direct them to a hotel and he claims they raped him in turn after they had had drinks.

The man was walking from his flat to an entertainment centre shortly after 17:00 on Sunday night when three women in a maroon BMW stopped him.

Captain Paula Nothnagel of the police said the women, aged between 20 and 30, asked him how to get to the Savoy Hotel.

"He explained, but they apparently insisted he should go with them to show them the way.

"He got into the car with them," she said.

On arriving at the hotel the women invited him for a drink.

After drinks and a chat, they asked him to show them where the Station Hotel was.

"On the way to the hotel, the driver suddenly changed direction and drove to an open piece of veld near the Durban Roodepoort Deep mine.

Kept gun on him all the time

"One of the women pulled out a gun and held up the man while the other two undressed.

"Then all three of them raped him in turn, with one of them keeping the gun pointed at him," said Nothnagel.

When they had finished, they forced the man back into the car and dropped him off in Main Ridge Road shortly before 02:00. He walked home and contacted the police on Monday.

Nothnagel said detectives from the police unit for family violence, child protection and sexual offences were still trying to trace the women.

Who in their right mind goes to the police after having a foursome with 3 women? Well maybe they were real munters borderline trannies with dark facial hair...

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Man superglues condom to penis to save on safe sex!

2008-12-09T07:26:00.000-08:00

A Romanian man needed some help after his 'great idea' started to feel not so great. He had superglued his condom to his penis.

The 43-year-old father-of-five told doctors he and his wife didn't want any more children. Their obvious solution was to start using condoms, but the condoms Nicolae Popovici's wife bought were a bit 'roomy'.

The couples solution for this small problem was not to buy new condoms that did fit, but to make the big ones fit. One way or another.

They used superglue to glue the condom to the man's penis. This did not only solve the size-issue, but they could also re-use the condoms, so they thought.

After sex, the couple realised the condom was stuck and wouldn't come off. After trying everything they could think off (and these people are resourceful as you may have noticed) Nicolae went to the local medical clinic for help.

One of the nurses said: "He even said that he thought the condom could be used several times and that he wanted it stuck on his penis so he could use it again later. We barely managed to remove it in the end."

Haha and i thought i was obsessed on saving money!

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Wives lop off husband's penis

2008-12-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

A Kenyan man is in a south western hospital after having his penis chopped off and thrown away by his two aggrieved wives.

The wives cut off their 30-year-old husband's penis after invading a guest house he was staying in for the night with a female companion in the town of Kilgoris.

The wives attacked the female companion first with knives, chopping off one of her ears, before turning on their cornered husband.

BBC reporter Muchiri Kioi in Kilgoris says that police are pursuing the two women and could charge them with causing grievous bodily harm.

The police failed to arrest the two women when they called to the scene over the weekend because they were said to be too stunned.

Example

Our reporter says that the man was reported to have sold part of the family's maize harvest at the local market before taking a room at the guest house with his female companion.

"Without his manhood at least he will invest all his money on our three children's education and upkeep instead of moving around with other women," one of the wives was quoted as saying by the Kenyan East African Standard newspaper.

The wives said the incident would serve as an example to other unfaithful men in the town.

Several cases of men losing their manhood in infidelity-related cases have been reported in western Kenya in recent times.

In one such incident a husband in the lakeside town of Kisumu chopped off his own penis after discovering that his wife had been seeing another man.

Who in their right mind chops off their penis because his wife cheating on him? thats just retarded.

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Sperm donor to pay child support

2008-12-08T21:25:00.000-08:00

A man who donated sperm to a lesbian couple is being made to pay maintenance by the Child Support Agency (CSA).

Andy Bathie, 37, from Enfield, north London, claims he was assured by the couple he would have no personal or financial involvement for the children.

He donated his sperm as a friend rather than go through a fertility clinic.

The CSA said only anonymous donors at licensed centres are exempt from being treated as the legal father of a child born as a result of their donation.

Mr Bathie, a firefighter, said he cannot afford to have children with his own wife due to the financial implications.

Shock, anger and despair

The lesbian couple, who approached the couple five years ago after they married in a civil ceremony, have a boy and a girl.

Mr Bathie said he reacted with "shock, anger and despair", when he was contacted by the CSA in November.

He said: "I don't have any particular ill will. It's the fact that I still even now don't see why I should have to pay for another couple's children."

A spokesman for Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) said: "The law says that men donating sperm through licensed fertility clinics are not the legal father of any child born through that donation.

"Men giving out their sperm in any other way - such as via internet arrangements - are legally the father of any children born with all the responsibilities that carries."

This story scared the hell outta me, i just hope all the sperm i 'donated' was 'fruitless'.

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Bike sex man placed on probation causes debate

2008-12-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation has sparked debate across the world.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

This is not the first legal case involving someone simulating sex with an inanimate object.

* In 1997 Robert Watt, 38, was fined £100 for trying to have sex with a shoe in an Edinburgh street
* In 2002 the same man was arrested for simulating sex with a traffic cone in front of a crowd of people
* Earlier this month, sentence was deferred on teenager Steven Marshall, from Galashiels, who admitted simulating sex on a pavement while drunk.

Wtf? How do you even have sex with a bike or a shoe? These men aren't criminals they are Pioneers

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